What’s so great about marriage?

The Record invited Bernard Toutounji to answer the question of what makes marriage unique.

Marriage: It is a word that is familiar to people.  The concept where a man and a woman leave their respective families to start a new family is a simple and natural idea; further explanation seems unnecessary.  Interestingly, even a dictionary does not offer much assistance in further definitions.  ‘Marriage’ is described as ‘the state of a relationship between husband and wife’. ‘Husband’ is defined as ‘a woman’s partner in marriage’ and ‘wife’ is ‘a man’s partner in marriage’. 
It all seems fairly circular without really describing what marriage is.  Perhaps it is because the institution is so ancient? Perhaps it is too difficult to describe?  The mystery surrounding marriage could be seen as an indication of its greatness, much like the mystery of the Divine. In the 21st century though, the mystery seems to have become misunderstood. There are some who wish to fundamentally change its meaning, declaring ‘marriage’ open to those of the same sex. There is a different push to bypass marriage altogether and create ‘Relationship Registers’ where a couple can commit without committing. And, lastly, there are those who actually do enter into marriage but with a minimal grasp of what it entails, half of them being churned out through the divorce courts five years later. So then what is it that makes marriage unique? 
Marriage has no human inventor and it exists beyond the reach of kings and governments; it is regulated by human power but it transcends it.  When a couple marry, they enter into marriage, they do not (at least should not) create the norms of marriage around their personal views.  Marriage is an institution that comes with its own set of laws but in a relativistic society where ‘me’ is the centre such an idea does not bode well.
Not surprisingly, the Church has beautiful and wonderful things to say about marriage. Marriage is present ‘in the beginning’ with our first parents; it is honoured by Christ at the wedding feast in Cana and thus raised to the level of a Sacrament, and it is ‘the wedding-feast of the Lamb’ described in the last book of the Scriptures as the final destination of all in heaven.  Rightly then, should all believers, married or not, love and proclaim the greatness of marriage.
What about those people however who do not believe ‘in the beginning’, who see Jesus as just a good man and who are not conscious of the eschatological banquet?  Marriage needs to carry a meaning for all people.  If it is only something that makes sense to the religious then we might as well give up defending it.  Marriage must again be seen as desirable for a young man and woman who are thinking about ‘taking the next step’. Marriage must be understood for what it actually is, not just ‘a piece of paper’, but as having an essential and irreplaceable position in the fabric of a society. 
Marriage speaks about a unique kind of love and, thankfully, love is desired by all people, believers or not.  Giving and receiving love contribute directly to the level of happiness in a person’s life.  When I fill up my car with petrol that action does not contribute directly to my happiness, rather I fill up my car so I can drive it to the shop so I can buy some food so I can eat, because eating is necessary in contributing to the level of happiness in my life (because it allows me to live and life is good).  If someone says to us they really want to meet someone and fall in love, we do not ask them why, because we all know that love is a basic human good.  No one forces this desire for love upon us; rather it rises up from deep within.
Our human experience also tells us that love must have certain naturally desired qualities.  First, we know that love cannot be forced; it must be a gift freely and purposely given and in the case of a personal relationship, freely given between two people, once love ceases to be a free gift it ceases to be love.  Second, we desire a love that is a complete gift; what man would be satisfied to know that he was only half loved, and in fact would it even make sense to tell someone you half love them? Third, love must be an exclusive gift; emotions come and go but genuine love is always faithful towards the beloved.  We have then a love that is free, total and faithful, but is that enough? It is not enough because those three qualities only provide the framework. The most exciting part is missing. What is missing is the ‘stuff’ of love, it is the sign and the content, it is the fruitfulness! What love can exist without telling the other ‘I love you’, what love can endure without a kiss, a rose, a word? Indeed it is the fruitfulness of love that makes everything worthwhile!
By simply looking at our own human desires we discover that genuine love must always be free, total, faithful and fruitful, we don’t need to be told we know it. Well, then, what about marriage … those things are marriage! They are the very essence of marriage! A freely given love, forsaking all others, unto death, and until very recently always understood as being for the procreation and rearing of children – the ultimate fruit of a couple’s love.  To marry is to say yes in a public way to these realties.  And that is our other inbuilt desire, to be acknowledged, we desire to make vows, to bind ourselves to that which is true. That is marriage!  Every married couple declares publically that they dedicated themselves to living out love!  Far from being a piece of paper, marriage is the call to live out in the most radical way.  The problem with the push for same sex ‘marriage’ is that it desires to take out the natural openness to life and call it marriage, the push for a Relationship Register aims to bypass marriage and set up a parallel to marriage with as many or as few qualities present as a couple may wish.  Ultimately these things cannot satisfy though; they may work for some other form of life but human beings long to live a publically recognised love.  These types of relationship may be something but they are not marriage.  Marriage will always be unique, not because it is a cherished artefact but because it is the only relationship that allows a couple to say yes to the yearnings of their heart.
Bernard Toutounji is the Education Officer for the Archdiocese of Sydney’s Life, Marriage and Family Centre