By Olivia Bunter
Director of the new Centre for Life, Marriage and Family, (formerly known as the Marriage and Fertility Office and Respect Life Office) Derek Boylen, who is also a trained counsellor, spoke with The Record about grief and how it is important to process, even though it might be painful to confront.
Grief is an all too common human experience. It’s a lived experience that occurs when suddenly confronted with the loss of something or someone important, and in some cases, can lead to the development of mental health issues.
In recent years, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has put mental health at the forefront of their global health and development agenda, as mental health increasingly affects more and more people throughout the world.
In a report entitled Mental Health: A Call for Action, published in 2001, the WHO explains that one in every four persons who turn to health services is affected by mental or behavioral disorders and are often left untreated or incorrectly diagnosed.
Typically, grief, is a painful, though temporary feeling that will lessen over time.
However, when grief is ignored or not supported, it can become a catalyst for mental health issues.
For those seeking help when it comes to dealing with grief or finding methods to help them through the experience, grief counselling is a simple way to reach out when faced with overwhelming and confusing emotions.
Director of the new Centre for Life, Marriage and Family, (formerly known as the Marriage and Fertility Office and Respect Life Office) Derek Boylen, who is also a trained counsellor, spoke with The Record about grief and how it is important to process, even though it might be painful to confront.
“Grief is something that is likely to take people through a range of difficult emotions that can be quite painful,” Mr Boylen said.
“There is no time limit on grieving and it’s okay to feel sad and alone on days that hold painful memories and meaning,” Mr Boylen said.
“It can be helpful for a person to let themselves feel their grief and express emotions.”
The five stages of grief are chronologically, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
The model was first introduced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who in her 1969 book on Death and Dying, examined death and those faced with it at the University of Chicago medical school.
Later in her life, Kübler-Ross noted that the stages are not a linear and predictable progression and that she regretted writing them in a way that was misunderstood.
Kübler-Ross originally saw these stages as reflecting how people cope with illness and dying,” observed grief researcher Kenneth Doka, “not as reflections of how people grieve.”
In a book co-authored with David Kessler and published posthumously, Kübler-Ross expanded her model to include any form of personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, major rejection, the end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a disease or an infertility diagnosis, and even minor losses, such as a loss of insurance coverage.
For any person struggling with grief, there are recommendations offered by agencies such as the Centre for Life, Marriage and Family, that can assist with these overwhelming emotions. Some of these include; Talking to supportive friends and family who care and understand about how you are feeling.
Consider becoming a part of a support group where people are often experiencing something similar.
Take care of your physical health. Grieving can be exhausting, so it’s important to eat a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep.
Manage stress by lightening your load. Asking friends, family members or work colleagues to help you with responsibilities and commitments.
Relaxation and gentle exercise can be helpful.
Do things you enjoy, even if you don’t really feel like doing them.
Ask for help; don’t be afraid.
Mr Boylen suggested some other alternatives that may help that help could be to “honour and celebrate the life of your loved one, by talking about them, keep a journal of your thoughts and memories.
“Also, write down your thoughts and feelings,” he continued.
“ … the experience of grief can have a profound effect on our faith as human beings in terms of experiencing confusion and feeling distant from God.”
“It’s okay if this makes you upset, but allow yourself to feel this way and remind yourself of the good things this person may have brought to your life.”
Mr Boylen also mentioned that the experience of grief can have a profound effect on our faith as human beings in terms of experiencing confusion and feeling distant from God.
We may question our spiritual beliefs and can feel betrayed, abandoned or angry with God.
Mr Boylen said that a good way to start is to find a safe place, take a breath and let the grief speak; tell God everything.
“Jesus and Mary also knew a lot about the experience of losing someone they love. You can also ask God to help you find comfort, healing, peace, and hope,” he said.
“It is a normal part of the human experience that we encounter, losing something or someone very close to us. When that happens, it can be incredibly painful.
“Our response to those struggling with grief should be to show compassion, care and support. After all, it was Jesus who said ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.’”
From pages 16 to 17 of Issue 20: ‘Wellbeing: Building stronger communities that flourish as a whole’ of The Record Magazine