Karen and Derek Boylen: The Affliction of Brother Caleb

25 Jun 2009

By Robert Hiini

We need to teach kids to say sorry. 

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By Karen and Derek Boylen
"It was Caleb who stole your biscuit, Elijah, I saw him!” Isaiah said with a deadpan face. Thus started the affliction of Caleb at the hands of Elijah and Isaiah.
Caleb denied the accusation – outright and earnestly – but that didn’t help his cause. Instead, it fired the others up even more. Elijah was upset about losing this chocolate biscuit (the last in the pack) and Caleb was going to feel the full wrath of his vengeance. In the end Derek took Elijah to the shops with him to give Caleb a bit of peace.
An hour later, at lunch, things had calmed down. Then Isaiah happily announces: “Elijah, I ate your biscuit.”
“Oh,” says Elijah, “That’s okay.”
Needless to say, it wasn’t okay with Mum and Dad. Poor Caleb had been made to suffer by his big brothers for something he hadn’t done.
Elijah is preparing for his first Reconciliation this year. We are firm believers that the primary preparation for this sacrament must be in the family. Interestingly, when Jesus teachs his followers about reconciliation, he also chooses to use the image of a family, the prodigal family.
In our home we are very particular about reconciliation and apology between family members. When we hurt someone, do or say the wrong thing or neglect to do the right thing, an apology is warranted. It is expected that you say “I’m sorry.”
Some attempt at reparation is also expected. If you steal something from someone you need to say sorry but you also need to give back what you stole. Reparation in our home is words or deeds that show we are genuine in our desire to make things better.
And when a sincere apology has been given, and sometimes even before it has, we also expect forgiveness. We say “I forgive you.” We want our children to learn through the experience of family that forgiveness is a gift. That we forgive each other in spite of how we feel. We forgive even when we might still be hurting or the transgression is still fresh in our mind or we don’t feel like it. It teaches that forgiveness is to be given and accepted. Forgiveness is a free, gift of love.
Teaching our children about reconciliation is critical. Many of the issues that cause problems for children are much less significant by adult standards. Helping our children to understand reconciliation and to practise forgiveness at this stage is therefore a good training ground for their adult lives in a world that is in deep need of peace and reconciliation.
Recently, at an audience with an estimated 7000 children, Pope Benedict urged them to practise reconciliation and forgiveness: “Sometimes in human life it seems inevitable that we should argue,” he acknowledged, “but what remains important is the art of reconciliation, of forgiveness, of starting anew and not letting bitterness remain in our hearts.” However, it’s not just enough to teach, we need to practise as well. For many, the sacrament of Reconciliation has become a forgotten sacrament. When we partake in the Eucharist, we come together as the Body of Christ, we learn about God’s saving grace, we hear the word and we are nourished for the week ahead.
In spite of our imperfections, the sacrament of Reconciliation is God’s free, loving gift to us because he wants to be united with us. Each time we go to Reconciliation, God’s grace works within us and makes us an agent of change. It is only through deepening our experience of the Spirit through Reconciliation that we can hope to achieve world peace.
We need to teach our children to be accountable for their actions, to say sorry, to try and make reparation and to forgive. When we do this we are teaching them, in a profound way, about the deeper, richer meaning of reconciliation.
We are helping them to become the agents through whom God’s kingdom will be built.