There’s no silver bullet for Catholics when it comes to marriage says Catherine Parish.
By Catherine Parish
The Record’s feature on Catholics and Divorce makes for sad reading; and it is a tragedy that certainly can’t be ameliorated in a 500 word essay. We need to get back to the beginning with this one.
It’s always instructive to start with Our Lord’s own words: Matthew 13:3, “the Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed in with three measures of flour until all of it was leavened.”
It is homely, simple and very, very telling. From our birth into Catholic families, we are as the yeast, water poured over us, our faith beginning to bloom.
But as we begin to grow up we are thrown into the mix that is the world.
We can’t stay separate from it.
We live in it, work in it, we play in it; our own children will be born into it.
Our faith needs to be strongly and clearly developed within us from our youngest days, strongly enhanced by the example of our Catholic families, our Catholic parishes, our Catholic schools.
But it has to be in the context of the vicissitudes of the non-Catholic world.
Yeast only comes into its own when mixed with something else. We are truly supposed to be in the world but not of it. Wise as serpents, innocent as doves.
We have to understand the world, especially if we are going to change it.
When it comes to marriage, we have to be especially aware of the world, the strength of its temptations, the ease of slipping into less-than-Catholic ways.
As believing Catholics, we necessarily set the bar high, and may have to make harder choices than our non-Catholic friends and relations.
But this high ideal is not a reason for arrogance or believing that we have the ‘silver bullet’ for success in marriage.
Marriage is a magnificent and powerful Sacrament and a deeply spiritual bond uniting us very closely with our Creator; but it is also highly physical and earthy. We are still two very different human beings learning to live together, learning to submit, to be humble, to admit mistakes, to accept challenges. There is much joy, but also tiredness, illness, stress, cleaning, cooking, money worries – an endless list of the mundane.
The challenge of total giving to another in complete trust ‘for better, for worse’ cannot be underestimated, especially today when lifelong trust and commitment are not the way of the world.
Church leaders are beginning to teach young Catholics they must be counter-cultural. What better place to start than with marriage and the family?
The Church’s teaching and pastoral arms ought to be fostering a powerfully counter-cultural attitude firstly to the material aspects of life. Those contemplating marriage owe it to each other to really consider their material needs in the light of Catholic teaching, and weigh them up very carefully against the health and strength of their future family life.
These are very big decisions to make, especially when the families young people come from may have made different choices. Both parties to the marriage must be very clear in the standard of life they expect to enjoy and how they expect to reach it. Will it be the challenge and the fun of starting small, renovating shabby houses, combing second hand shops, markets and garage sales together, learning to make and mend, ingeniously making a single income go a very long way? Or both stretching themselves too far instead in an effort to immediately buy the big new house, cars, holidays and designer clothes? These are real questions to ask before marriage because they have huge ramifications afterwards.
Not least in the family’s ability and willingness to support children. I will say first that NFP is a wonderful discovery, and every person should know how their body works. And for later years in marriage, it is a valid and very useful option at times to space children, for the health of the parents, and when approaching menopause.
But I personally have reservations about NFP being used and promoted from day one of a Catholic marriage to delay having children or severely restrict the number of children. If a couple is not ready yet to accept children then they should not get married. It is very risky to the future health of a marriage to begin with an intention to initially exclude one of marriage’s most important natural consequences.
This absolute openness is a mark of faith in Christ’s teachings and in God’s providence and brings with it tremendous blessings and graces, not least the strength to go the distance in marriage. You grow together from the beginning, not only as a married couple, but as a family.
Catholic schools, instead of kow-towing to pressure by offering earlier and earlier childcare options to families, so both parents can go back to paid work ASAP, ought to be truly counter-cultural by giving practical witness to a belief in dedicated, full-time parenthood. Practical support for stay-at-home parents would be a more positive option; short periods of childcare so that mum or dad can have some time alone during the week; playgroup sessions so stay-at-home parents can get together and just talk to each other. These networks of support, that extended families and more stable communities used to provide for young families, are vital to healthy marriages and families.
Our Catholic faith doesn’t automatically exempt us from the malaise of the society we live in. But it should provide an antidote.
Bottom line: committed Catholics simply can’t live the same sort of married life as non-Catholics. The Church needs to encourage its educaters and pastors to stop pretending that we can.