When I do speaking engagements, the best part is meeting and chatting with people afterwards. Generally, they want to comment on my presentation, or perhaps share their own insights or experiences. Only once was I ever approached by someone who expressed regret at my husband’s quality of life.
In a speech I gave some time ago, I’d made a side reference to domestic violence. In the hubbub of meeting people afterwards, I happened to pass one older man who evidently wished to say something to me.
I turned and greeted him with a smile. He began, “So, your husband’s not a wife-beater?” I replied in the affirmative. What he said next stunned me: “Just think of all the fun he’s missing out on.”
I was too shocked to think of a suitable rejoinder. I merely grimaced and turned away, as there were other people requesting my attention. But the remark weighed on me for weeks, and still grieves me, years later. It is probably the ugliest thing anyone has ever said to me.
The idea of a man beating a woman out of rage or insecurity or jealousy or insanity is horrible enough, but the thought that he would do it for fun is beyond nauseating.
And why, in heaven’s name, would anyone joke about such a topic with a woman he’s never met before?
Chivalry may be dead, but Tact and plain old Common Sense surely still have some value, especially with the not-so-young generation. (The man had to be in his late 60s or early 70s). This goes way beyond political correctness; it’s an offence against ordinary Christian charity.
Perhaps that fellow was the village buffoon; maybe no one in his town takes him seriously. What horrifies me is that he might be considered one of the pillars of his community to whom others look for guidance.
This talk took place in a church hall, at a pro-life prayer breakfast, a fact that I find deeply shameful to admit.
“Just think of all the fun he’s missing out on.” Yes, let’s. By not being a wife-beater, my husband is missing out on all the fun of:
- living with the twisted (or non-existent) conscience of a cruel personality
- breaking his wedding vows on a regular basis
- watching his wife cower every time he gets a certain look on his face, or raises his hand
- seeing sheer terror and perhaps hatred in the eyes of his children when he beats up on their mother
- having to tell lies to other people about the reasons for his wife’s latest cuts, bruises, concussions and broken limbs
- his wife’s frequent trips to the hospital emergency room
- waiting for her to heal so that she can start cooking, cleaning and fetching for him again
- being the subject of a 911 call
- getting arrested
- assault charges
- losing access to his children
- restraining orders
- divorce
- job loss
- jail time
- public censure and humiliation
- a criminal record.
And yes, poor lamb, he’s missing out on that adrenaline rush one gets from brutalising someone smaller and weaker than oneself.
If I had another chance to speak to that man at the prayer breakfast, I might tell him that his comment was not remotely funny.
Real men don’t beat women, and real men don’t joke about beating women (especially while trying to impress women they’ve never met before). Real men—godly men—honour, respect and protect women.
Christians must become much more involved in supporting and ministering to victims of domestic violence.
If we do not, the task will continue to fall entirely to people who espouse secular feminist and humanist philosophies.
At the very least, please remember to pray for victims of violence, for those who perpetrate it, and for all who, by their words of folly or indifference, tolerate it.