“You should be more involved.” I wish I had a dollar—or better yet, a day off purgatory—for every time I heard that phrase as a young mother.
The siren call came from people who were active in the various communities and parishes where we lived. Sometimes I resisted, sometimes I succumbed.
Regardless, it was at a time in my life when I simply did not have much of that commodity. Time, that is.
I don’t know at what point people began believing that frenetic busy-ness was a necessary part of parish life, but for the sheer amount of activities undertaken and hours spent, I’m not sure we’re any further ahead, as a Church or a civilisation.
My brother (a father of seven), is fond of the saying, “Everybody wants to save the world; nobody wants to help Mother with the dishes”.
On a parish level, it might be said, “Everybody wants to renew the parish; nobody wants to say the Rosary before bedtime”.
One parish to which we belonged, many years ago, employed an energetic and highly motivated ‘parish co-coordinator.’ (The whole idea of which is problematic, but must be left as fodder for another day.)
This lady had a good heart and the best intentions, but let’s face it: she also had to justify her existence and her salary.
So the path to parish renewal was programs, programs and more programs.
Knowing my background (education, past volunteer experience), she constantly requested that I “come out of hiding” (her phrase) and get involved in parish programs (some of which were floundering, due to lack of interest or lack of–in my opinion–solid Church teaching).
At that time, I had three children aged six and under, with Number Four on the way.
“Hiding” was therefore defined as mothering my children, home-schooling my eldest, refereeing the two younger ones, surviving pregnancy (I tended to suffer acute “morning” sickness, 24 hours a day), and–when I could manage it—freelance writing.
It was all I could do to get through most days, yet the parish coordinator wanted me to add meetings, talks and workshops to the agenda.
I tried to explain that I was indeed building up the parish (and the Kingdom) by having babies, mothering, teaching and freelance writing.
She remained unimpressed by the Sanctity of Motherhood theme, so I tried appealing to more worldly considerations: I informed her that my articles were reaching Catholics in Canada, the US, UK and even Africa (this was before everyone had internet).
“You see? That’s my point,” she scolded. “You have all this talent and you’re not using it for God and the Church.” Oy vay—is there a patron saint for the chronically obtuse?
Ironically, the parish coordinator’s home life (and the lives of other Super-Busy middle aged women in my parish) was part of the reason for my decision to pull back from activism.
Too many of the older mums I knew were in shaky marriages; too many had teenage or adult children who had abandoned their practice of the faith.
While I was not (and never will be) in a position to make any judgements about their circumstances, I nevertheless had a responsibility to discern what was best for my family.
Would parish programs, meetings and busy-ness rectify the loss of faith and family life? Or would it make more sense for my husband and me to spend our evenings with our children, and pray with them daily? W
e felt God calling us to the latter. We didn’t entirely quit volunteering but were very selective about what we felt we could take on.
And we were not afraid to say no, even in the face of criticism and resentment.
Young parents, spend time cultivating family life. Carefully and prayerfully limit your involvement in activities that take you away from your children on a regular basis.
A time will come when you will have more hours to volunteer and, when it does, be generous.
Programs and committees will come and go, but your children are young for a very short time.
If you don’t take the time to be with them, to teach them to pray, to teach them to know, love, and serve the Lord, who will?
Or perhaps I can borrow from Blessed Teresa of Calcutta who once said, “Make sure whatever you do would be pleasing to God, and then deal with what is at your feet.”