Barbara Harris: Those we don’t want to meet are the biggest blessings

Gifts do not always come in packing that is attractive to me. Sometimes even the gift is not something that I desire or that I can foresee any use for.

The same with issues of my health problems or people whom I meet. I’m always amazed, though, that looking back I can see how my life has been blessed by adverse events or those unwanted gifts and even people I did not want to meet.
Recently, I sat with June as her 21 year old daughter died. June said, “You know when my daughter was born it was so hard. She was our third daughter. My husband wanted a son but instead Clare was born. Clare had extra genetic material (Down Syndrome) and Cerebral Palsy. I hadn’t asked for or wanted to deal with a baby with those disabilities.
“When our other babies were born we were straightaway onto the telephone to let the grandparents, other family members and friends know. With Clare, though, we were scared, ashamed and too devastated to tell anyone. Somehow we felt it was our fault,  I certainly felt that somehow I had done something wrong and the birth of Clare was my punishment.
“I began to notice that we had very few visitors and fewer phone calls of congratulations. My husband struggled to get up the courage for short visits to the hospital and found it very hard to hold Clare and did not know how to let go of his own grief.
“I kept thinking This is a bad dream and I will wake up and it will all go away. It didn’t. I found myself having to deal with other people’s grief and an ocean of well intentioned ‘solutions’ suggested by friends. I heard how ‘it would be too much for you to have Clare at home’ as well as ‘we are praying for a miracle for you’.
“All well meaning but not what I wanted at that time.
“Out of hospital and home meant never-ending return visits as well as trips to specialists and clinics and trying to spend time with my other two children. It was exhausting. It all became too much for my husband and he packed his bags and left.”
People who are sick either recover or die and there is closure. A person’s disability, however, continues and that is a challenge.
I can put up with any amount of discomfort when I know that in X days/months it will end. Disability is open-ended.
The day in and day out dealing with disabilities can be especially draining.
Working through the unanswerable “why”, preconceived ideas, juggling lives and needs is like a continuous dark tunnel with no light.
Parents expect a perfect baby and the definition of “perfect” is ingrained in us from an early age. I myself had definite views about perfection- what it looks like and where I will find it.
Reflecting on the Christmas story changes all that. Jesus’ birth in the squalor of a stable was not what I would envisage for the birth of a king.
A king should have been surrounded by heaps of servants ready to respond to his beck and call.
What I see, though, are animals and a few shepherds together with animal waste and smells. Not very kingly in my mind. Not the perfect setting, not the gift many would have wanted or expected.
So what can I do when a friend or family member gives birth to a baby who is different? June said, “Reflect on your presumptions. As time progressed and Clare grew older and struggled to be accepted I noticed that friends would chat normally about the other two daughters and then ask, ‘How is little Clare?’ Never mind that Clare was 20 years old”. There is always the expectation that ‘purpose’ and ‘power’ means a job, money, friends, and status, to just name a few for starters.
I think we have a rigid interpretation that each individual must conform to expectations about the three Ps – Perfection, Power and Purpose. Clare was not perfect in the eyes of most people. Yet, June told me, “Clare couldn’t speak; never had an education or a job, but she has changed my life. She showed me the light. She challenged the lives of so many other people. Their lives were changed by just  being herself. God has used her to show His love, His power and His purpose.”
The baby born in an animal shelter and laid in an animal feeding trough because there was no room in the inn in Bethlehem, an insignificant small rural town changed the whole world so much so that we measure our calendar years centred on that birthday – BEFORE CHRIST (BC) and ANNO DOMINI  (AD), the year of the Lord, after Christ.
So the next gift given to me, whether it be a parcel poorly wrapped, a health issue, a person I would rather not have to deal with, a situation that I don’t want, I will think of Clare and her giftedness to her mother, June and to all those whose lives were changed because she was born. She was perfect. She had a purpose and what power.
I will think of Jesus, the Lord of the entire universe, gifting Himself to me and the world as a helpless baby. What perfection?  What purpose?  What power?
Barbara Harris is coordinator of the Emmanuel Centre, a self-help centre run for and by people with disabilities, their families and those who work with people with disabilities. Contact emmanuelcentre@westnet.com.au