Forgiving the unrepentant
In an earlier column, you said we must always be prepared to forgive those who have hurt us. Does this apply even when they are not sorry for what they have done? I thought even God did not forgive those who are not sorry.
First of all, you are right in saying that not even God forgives us if we are not sorry. The Catechism of the Catholic Church makes this clear when speaking of those who go to hell: “To die in mortal sin without repenting and accepting God’s merciful love means remaining separated from him for ever by our own free choice” (CCC 1033).
If the person were to repent, God would forgive them and embrace them in His merciful love. But if they are not sorry for having offended Him, they cannot enter into the communion of life and love with God that is heaven.
Returning to your question, forgiving someone who is not sorry is always hard. Does God expect us to do it? Looking at the Scriptures, the answer seems to be clearly yes.
First of all, Jesus does not make any distinctions when He tells us we must always forgive our neighbour. After giving us the Our Father He adds, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Mt 6:14-15).
It would seem from this that it makes no difference whether our neighbour is sorry or not for having offended us. We must always forgive him.
Then too, Jesus gives us His own example of forgiving people who are not sorry for having offended Him.
On the Cross He asks the Father to forgive those who are tormenting Him: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Lk 23:34).
It is almost certain that among those who were crucifying Jesus there were some – perhaps many – who were not sorry at all for what they were doing. But Jesus still asked the Father to forgive them.
When He asks us to love one another as He has loved us (cf Jn 13:34), He is undoubtedly asking us to forgive those who are not sorry for having hurt us, just as He asks the Father to forgive those who have hurt Him.
Another important consideration is that we cannot be at peace with ourselves, with our neighbour or with God until we have forgiven everyone who has hurt us, independently of whether they are sorry or not.
We would not want to face our Lord in the judgement with the burden on our soul of not having forgiven someone who has hurt us.
And we could not pray the Our Father sincerely, saying “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”, if there is someone we have not forgiven.
It seems clear from all these passages that we must be ready to forgive everyone who has hurt us, regardless of whether they are sorry or not.
Included in the act of forgiving is asking the Father to forgive them, as Jesus did. And if they are not sorry, we can ask the Father to grant them the grace to be sorry. If they know we have forgiven them, this very fact can make it easier for them to repent.
We should remember too that we can never be certain that the other person is not sorry for having hurt us. Perhaps they were not sorry last month, or last week, or yesterday for that matter, but for all we know they have since repented.
We should always give them the benefit of the doubt. In short, it is a source of great joy and peace to forgive everyone who has hurt us.
– Email Fr Flader at
director@caec.com.au